the matter of

on days like these I wake up

expecting to find arms around me that

promise he is still there, holding me;

down with swears that he’s not leaving

on days like these I want the memories

to fade into the background

of my own life is today’s goal and I think

that if I stay in my own head,

make my bed and lie in it

maybe I’ll believe that I’m not

I am in the bed of a girl that is not a lover,

in-a-sense: I do love her. but there is the fact

of facing my boyfriend, who is more

friend than boy to my body but I like him

a lot. the problem is that I don’t know if I love.

on days like these I don’t know if words

mean much of anything

but I think they mean something

my hands or my head or my heart want

something out of them.

no one can seem to give, what they take

back to the days where we came

from something into nothing much.

what about you? he asks

a lot of me but doesn’t say so many words.

you see, the way that we talk

wasn’t with our mouths but the signs

he made were deafening.

fingers folding into an alphabet,

this is his language.

and goddamn I understood

his lips worked even while pressed together

with mine.

I couldn’t forget.

my boyfriend is exactly what I want

just with the space

a little earlier than I had thought.

knows all the stars and can name

plan-its, I don’t mind

at all whatever you want. I’m happy if you are.

but I’m not.

there is the matter of the girl

and the bed

and the lying in it.

there is the matter

of spaces that want to be filled

with planets and hot breath on my skin

and more than I am willing to admit.

we woke up beside each other; her

I want her to, oh.

it was just empty space,

the memories of what he was

and what my boy friend is

different. that’s okay.

I like him a lot.

it’s just hard to tell

whether the space is going to

matter.