on days like these I wake up
expecting to find arms around me that
promise he is still there, holding me;
down with swears that he’s not leaving
on days like these I want the memories
to fade into the background
of my own life is today’s goal and I think
that if I stay in my own head,
make my bed and lie in it
maybe I’ll believe that I’m not
I am in the bed of a girl that is not a lover,
in-a-sense: I do love her. but there is the fact
of facing my boyfriend, who is more
friend than boy to my body but I like him
a lot. the problem is that I don’t know if I love.
on days like these I don’t know if words
mean much of anything
but I think they mean something
my hands or my head or my heart want
something out of them.
no one can seem to give, what they take
back to the days where we came
from something into nothing much.
what about you? he asks
a lot of me but doesn’t say so many words.
you see, the way that we talk
wasn’t with our mouths but the signs
he made were deafening.
fingers folding into an alphabet,
this is his language.
and goddamn I understood
his lips worked even while pressed together
I couldn’t forget.
my boyfriend is exactly what I want
just with the space
a little earlier than I had thought.
knows all the stars and can name
plan-its, I don’t mind
at all whatever you want. I’m happy if you are.
but I’m not.
there is the matter of the girl
and the bed
and the lying in it.
there is the matter
of spaces that want to be filled
with planets and hot breath on my skin
and more than I am willing to admit.
we woke up beside each other; her
I want her to, oh.
it was just empty space,
the memories of what he was
and what my boy friend is
different. that’s okay.
I like him a lot.
it’s just hard to tell
whether the space is going to